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Monday, July 29, 2013

So Much More Than Happy Birthday


When he comes downstairs this morning I say, "Happy birthday." Just like I say to my other children on their birthdays. I direct him to the chocolate donuts he requested. When he walks away I think about how, no matter how many birthdays he celebrates, his will always be different than the other children's. Because while it's his birthday, it's an anniversary of sorts for me. The anniversary of the day my safe and predictable life got turned on its ear. It was, in truth, one of the worst days of my life. And yet, all that pain was necessary to make me who I am today. On this day 17 years ago I was forever changed.

When he was born, he couldn't breathe. They held him up and we could see he was struggling, his chest collapsing in on itself. They tried to hand him to me but changed their minds when they saw that he was turning blue. They ran him out of the room and my husband and I were left there, just the two of us in the evacuated room, blinking at each other in this sudden uncomfortable silence, wondering what had just happened. Had we just had a baby? Did we still have a baby?

The reports throughout the day weren't good. They didn't know what was wrong with him. He had a collapsed lung. He didn't have a collapsed lung. He had a syndrome so rare they couldn't properly identify it. He had other issues. They didn't know if they could even nail down what those issues were. They were hopeful. They were grim. They were calling in specialists, each one making the trek down to the little maternity center where he was born. He was supposed to be, you see, a healthy baby. No risk involved. Just a quick stop in, a birth, and home again with our little bundle in 3 short, joy-filled days. That had been the plan and, until that day, my plans always worked. I had a not 2 year old and a not 4 year old at home. They had been healthy and perfect. Why wouldn't he be?

Night was falling when the last specialist arrived, beleaguered and harried from a long day of helping others, he came into the room, his red hair sticking up in little tufts on his head. He said his name was David Matthews. I quipped "Like the band?" And he smiled, surprised by my joke. I was surprised too. That a joke was still within me. I would learn later that my capacity to laugh would always be there, a survival technique that buoyed me during dark, dark times to come. But we didn't know anything about those dark times that night. Not yet. We were still hoping that he would be ok. I was still hanging onto the hope that I could get my normal back by the time we left the hospital.

"Yes," David Matthews said. "Like the band."

And then he sat down and said the words I'd been waiting all day to hear: "I think I can fix your son."

He went on to tell us about rare surgeries and success rates and rare syndromes and prognoses and genetic testing and I struggled to understand. When he left I latched onto the hope he had given us. Held onto it like a child with a balloon, aware that it was fragile and apt to be blown away. Our son would be moved to another hospital. At five days old he would have the first of many surgeries. We didn't know that then. We were just ignorant enough to think that that one surgery would be enough. If I had known that night all that awaited us, I couldn't have withstood it though. Lesson 1 of many: We think we want to know what the future holds but we really aren't prepared to handle it. Better to just focus on the day at hand.

That was July 29th. Our son wouldn't come home from the hospital until November. In the months between his birth and his discharge from the hospital I would get a crash course in pediatric nursing. I would become familiar with not just David Matthews but a host of other doctors as well. That big city hospital they sent us to? The one that scared me? I would become intimately familiar with it, cruising its hallways and learning shortcuts like I lived there. Because I did. Even now the smell of antibacterial soap and astringent and sickness can bring it all back-- those months I would wake up from yet another sleepless night filled with alarms and vitals checks and stagger to the door, grab the first nurse who walked by and whisper hoarsely, "Coffee." And those dear sweet nurses would bring it to me out of their lounge, busy themselves with my son while I gulped it down in hopes of being alert enough to talk to the barrage of doctors coming through on rounds.

If you've met me since all of that happened you might not understand where my faith comes from. It's not from my family of origin. It's not from years in church. It's not from friends who influenced me. While all those things played a part I can't say that the kind of faith I have came from that. Instead I trace it back to those days after his birth, when I would sit in that hospital and beg God to heal him. Beg God to give me strength. Tell God that I couldn't take not one more piece of bad news. Search the Bible for verses that would help me understand, accept, find peace in the midst of this storm. And here's the absolute truth: I found Him faithful. Every. Time.

I get that some of you aren't there. Some of you think this is crazy talk. Some of you shrug off my religious-ness chalking it up to my southern upbringing, my years I wrote for an organization that offered devotions, some sort of weird personality thing. But the truth is, it's none of those things. Because none of those things hold up under extreme stress and uncertainty. None of those things were there for me when my world fell apart.

When I sat in that lonely hospital room with my baby gurgling and gasping to breathe for weeks on end, I found the frayed ending of this long rope called "myself" I'd been following for 26 years. And then I handed that frayed ending to God and said, "Please do something with this, because I can't." And what came after? Well, I had very little to do with that. That was Him, fixing the fray. Stepping into it.

And so this is the anniversary. This day. I see that 6' tall boyman standing in my doorway, filling it up, and I see his trach scar and that chin I thought would never grow. I tell him to go eat donuts when eating was impossible for him back then, when he was fed by a tube in his stomach. When I couldn't see this day coming because I was so afraid it never would. Today I celebrate not just his survival, but also mine. Not just his growth and progress, but also mine.

Today I say happy birthday, but what I really mean is so much more.
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Sunday, July 28, 2013

I'm Back


So I stayed away a bit longer than planned. Last week my youngest was in art camp every day from 10:30 to 1:30. I'm not sure how that managed to eat up my week but it did. I also had various and sundry things going on-- little things that can add up. I'm sure most-- if not all-- of you know of which I speak.




I've started a new blog kind of on a lark. The title came to me and I thought, "Why not?" Hey, I don't have anything else to do, right? This blog is meant to be a place where I can write about what I'm personally reading. While we talk a lot about books on She Reads, it's a collective effort-- and oftentimes there are books I can't talk about because we simply don't have the space. So this is the overflow, I guess. But of a personal nature.

I never fancied myself as a book blogger but I guess that's what I am now. As of now my plan is to post about what I'm reading, review some of my faves, and share upcoming novels I'm excited about. I hope that I can steer some of you towards some novels you might've missed, and inspire others to give novels-- or reading at all-- a try. It always surprises me the number of women who tell me either 1) I don't read novels because I want to use my reading time to read something to improve myself or 2) I don't have time to read. I'd love to change both of those for every woman! Great stories add such a richness to life.

In the meantime, I will still be using this blog to write about what I've been up to, share any thoughts that occur to me, and post the occasional recipe or tip. The same stuff I've been posting in the past. I will most likely move any book-related postings to Novel Wanderings, however. I hope this doesn't get too confusing for you guys-- or me!

I hope to have more to share in the coming week. I was doing so well with my regular posts and then our vacation hit and I haven't really bounced back yet. I'll get there. I usually do.
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Monday, July 15, 2013

What Would The Neighbors Say?


I'm going to be away from the blog this week, taking some time to spend with my husband while the kids are gone with their grandmother on a trip. We have been looking forward to this and I won't lie to you, or my kids. They know we love them, but they also know we loved each other first and will be together after they head off into the wild blue yonder to start their own lives. So we don't apologize for sending them off with grandma. We miss them, sure. But we also miss each other in those times they're all around and we don't get a moment alone!



So here's something to think about while I'm gone, something I thought of after a short little conversation with my next door neighbor in the strip of grass where our two yards meet. He gives us barbecue he makes in his smoker. I send him and his wife treats when I bake. It's a good trade and somehow balances out. He knows all the kids' names and gets a kick out of our little dog. And a lot of times he sits on his back porch and watches me come and go, schlepping kids hither and yon. And sometimes I wonder what he thinks about the goings-on at our house.

And I thought of this the other day after our he and I talked, how in some ways, though we don't know each other very well, he's one of the best judges of what's really going on at our house. Close enough to keep track of the time we spend at home, to hear the words exchanged, to see whether we are taking care of our kids or abdicating our responsibilities as parents, to see whether we actually do load them up and get them to church or we really do grill out and sit down to eat as a family. The neighbors, even if we don't talk to them all the time, know a lot more than we think. The neighbors might just know us better than anyone because they see the day-to-day, not the gussied up, best-foot-forward part we show people.

As I thought about this I started wondering what my neighbor would say about me if he was asked? Would he say I was a good mother? That we had a good marriage? That our kids were happy and loved and valued? That our family was functional? I think we think of that phrase "What would the neighbors say?" with a judgmental, "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality. But in some ways it's actually a good gauge of who we really are. If someone had a front row seat to your life would they find it matched up to your Facebook profile? Your tweets? Your posts? If someone asked your neighbor what kind of person you are, what would your neighbor say? It's a good question to ask yourself from time to time, and a good barometer of the life you're really living versus the life you wish you had. As I've been thinking about all this I've decided that I hope that what the neighbors would say would be just what I'd say about myself.
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Thursday, July 11, 2013

A Window Or A Mirror


If you read fiction (and please don't tell me if you don't because... I'm not sure we can be friends) why do you read it? What do you want out of the story when you open that new book?



I was thinking about this the other day as I ran. (And please understand when I say "the other day" that is a generalization because it has lo been many days since I have run, thanks to all the rain. I hear confession is good for the soul. Hopefully by the time you read this I will have been to that new gym.)

Back to "the other day" when I was running. And thinking. I was thinking about some of the comments I've gotten on my new novel The Wishing Tree. And how some people love my "lighter" books, books that are more romantic and dreamy. And some really like the ones where I dig in and really examine issues.



And I thought about how some people want a window when they read-- a way of looking at the world beyond. And some want a mirror-- they want to see themselves and the people they love, maybe in a new way or in a way that helps them think differently. There really does seem to be a dividing line among readers as far as what they look for in stories. The window people would tell you they just wanted to be entertained and transported. The mirror people would tell you they want to learn something about the human experience; they want to be challenged

And as I ran (if memory serves), I thought about how the best writing is the kind that is both window and mirror. The kind that shows you a world beyond but also makes you look inside yourself. Maybe that's what all writers should be aiming for. Maybe it's the ones who manage it who become the bestsellers, meeting both types of readers right where they are, enticing them with one, but surprising them with the other. And showing them the value in both.

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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Things That Are Totally Unrelated But Nevertheless All In One Post


1. I planned two weeks' worth of meals out of the two Pioneer Woman cookbooks and we have been eating good. Possibly because she believes in a lot of red meat and potatoes. If you are doing meal planning you should get her cookbooks and sit down with them to meal plan while you sip wine and watch murder shows on tv one night. Then your family will eat good too.

2. I have too many books to read and so, instead of reading any of them, I'm grazing on all of them, kind of like a reading smorgasbord. Part of the problem is I recently read two books I loved so much that nothing else can live up. One of them I can't tell you because it's going to be our September pick for She Reads so it's a secret. The other was The Secret Life of Bees because my friend Kim Brock told me I'd been missing out and that merely seeing the movie was not enough. Kim? You were so right. I loved loved loved that book. I especially loved poor little unloved Lily who of course did find love in an unexpected place. I long to create a character like Lily someday. The other one I wish I could tell you about but I can't so stay tuned for our September book announcement over at She Reads. Maybe that'll make summer being over a bit easier for all of us? Nah.

3. A gym has opened up about 2 miles from our house and I think I'm going to have to break down and join it because it either rains or threatens to rain every single time I try to leave the house on a run these days. The lack of running combined with the Pioneer Woman meal planning has not worked to my benefit. Have I mentioned that it's bathing suit season?

4. Let it be known that July 7th is officially the day where all children everywhere utter the refrain of summer, "I'm bored." This year I was sure they wouldn't say that because they were so happy when school ended. But it took just one precious month of having nothing to do before they started saying it. It's almost enough for me to want them to go back to school. Almost. But not actually.

5. Even with our unfortunate "no internet" predicament last week, I did finish the YA (young adult-- some of you pointed out that you didn't know what that meant and I apologize) novel I was working on. Of course the minute I sent it winging off to my agent (courtesy of my working server, thank you very much) I had a complete and total crisis and became immediately convinced that I just wrote the worst piece of drivel ever known to man. I'm not sure I will ever get past that feeling but I think this time it was exacerbated by the fact that this is my first foray into YA. Let me tell you, writing outside of your comfort zone is a big stretching exercise. But not enough to qualify for #3, above.




6. My kids watched Superbook on ABC Family last week and loved it. My 7 and 11 year olds were both engrossed. I watched the Revelation one with them, which prompted an unsolicited sermon about how Satan was cast out of heaven. They've avoided pretty much any and all spiritual-type questions since. I might've gotten a tad too animated. Pun intended.

But if you're looking for a way to get the stories of the Bible in front of your kids in a way that speaks their language? I'd recommend these dvd's. My older kids had BibleMan and my younger ones have Superbook. No offense to Willie Aames but I think my younger ones are more fortunate.


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Tuesday, July 09, 2013

The One Thing


Remember last week when I wrote about habits I was glad I started?

Well there's one thing I wanted to add to that post.

I try not to have more than one big thing on my to-do list each day. One project that I know is going to take up the bulk of my mental space, my time, and my energy. This might be an organization project or a craft or a writing project or a shopping trip or volunteering at the kids school, or... you name it. Whatever it is, it takes more than 15 minutes to do, and would not be considered a mindless task.

I used to try to squeeze as many activities on my to-do list as there were lines on the page. But I found that not only was I not doing them all, I was going to bed each night defeated over what I hadn't done. Better to aim for one big(ger) thing to accomplish each day, coupled with some other smaller, non time-consuming things-- little 15 minute things I can check off with ease.

Limiting myself like this has made me happier-- maybe a little lazier, but happier. And I'll take lazier for happier and call that a good trade. I like freeing myself up from stress. I like giving myself permission to not go so hard every single day. I like rest. I like to relax. And I like to forgive myself for the things I can't get to instead of beating myself up for the things I didn't.

I figured out the rule of the one thing. And yes, I do hear Curly from City Slickers every time I think of it:



I figured out the one thing rule, and it made my life much easier. One big thing a day, and let the rest go.
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Monday, July 08, 2013

When Your Server No Longer... Serves


So this was longer than I intended to be away.

Last Wednesday we started having a problem with our online connection. We could get online as far as we had a connection but the pages wouldn't load. So I unplugged and replugged the modem about 42 times only to end up back where I was. Finally I broke down and called customer service for our internet provider, which is something I truly hate doing because it takes like five tries to actually get to a live person and by then I'm so frustrated. I think they do this on purpose so you will not bug them with every little thing. Because I put calling them up there with going to the DMV or the dentist.

But when unplugging didn't work I had no choice but to call. So I told Julio, who had the misfortune of being the one who answered my call, that I thought perhaps I had a server problem because I had a connection but could not log on. I could see it right there on my computer. He told me that there was no way I had a server problem because, you see, he would have it in his notes if a server was down and there was nothing in his notes.

So that means that he and I spent 25 minutes trouble-shooting my internet connection THAT I ALREADY HAD. After nothing he tried worked, he asked me to hold, that he needed to talk to his manager. I told him I thought that was a good idea. He came back from putting me on hold and I swear he had his hat in his hand, though I couldn't see it. He shuffled his feet (again I couldn't see it but I'm certain that he did) and said "Um ma'am it appears that your server is down."

I said "Julio, is this call being recorded?"

And he said, "Yes."

And I said, "Well then, for the record, to the powers that be-- not to you Julio because this is not your fault but for someone who could've let you know that the server was down-- it would probably be a good idea to let you know so that you don't make someone spend 25 minutes trouble-shooting a problem that does not exist."

And Julio, because he was as beaten down as I was by that point said "Yes ma'am."

And then we hung up, but not before Julio informed me that he was sorry to say but my server problem would not be fixed until six pm the next day. That day, I will remind you, was the 4th of July. My husband said he suspected it would in no way get fixed on the 4th because all the people who worked there would be riding boats and shooting off fireworks and eating hamburgers and splashing in the water. Not fixing servers. I told Curt to have a little faith and he gave me the look that he gives me when he knows he's right but doesn't feel like debating any further. He's a patient man and can wait to be right for a mighty long time.

Like all the way til the next day at 6:00 pm.

I will not bore you any further but suffice it to say it was not fixed on the 4th. Or the 5th, 6th, or 7th. We were hearkening back to the pioneer days around here with no internet. I was washing my clothes in the stream and milking my own cows and saddling up the horses to go to town. It was bad. We felt cut off from civilization and, as much as I love Laura Ingalls I didn't want to be her for much longer.

And so today, a guy named Sid showed up and fixed the internet. We all celebrated. There may have been champagne involved. And then I caught up on all my emails. And my Facebook and Twitter. I read a great many blog posts. I pinned some things. I listened to my Pandora channel. And then, I sat down here to tell this sad story. And to tell you that I was sorry to be away so long. Here's hoping my server keeps serving and I can write some more posts this week.

Because the thing about being in the dark ages? There's a lot of time to think about what you'd write... if only you could get online.
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Wednesday, July 03, 2013

Happy Fourth!



Whatever you're doing this holiday I hope it's fun. We're either hanging out at our pool or venturing to the lake to hang out with old friends. Whatever we do, you can bet there will be water and hamburgers and fireworks involved! I love the 4th and am thankful to the many people who made the freedom we celebrate possible!
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Monday, July 01, 2013

Habits I'm Glad I Started


I've been thinking lately about the good habits in my life, the ones I'm glad I started doing and have kept up with because they make my life better, richer. I thought I'd share them with you in case you're looking to start some new habits in your own life that will make it better and richer too.

Meal Planning: Seriously, I don't know how other women make dinner work without a meal plan. That board on my fridge with the meals listed is a key to my sanity. Knowing that we have all the groceries bought and in the house for said meals means my heart rate stays at a nice, even beat. I've grown to love my meal planning sessions, creating a weekly plan that has a nice variety of different meats and veggies, finding foods that compliment each other, including new recipes I've wanted to try while relying on some tried and true ones for those nights I'm not feeling energetic. I feel all homemakerish when I do it. Pinterest has helped. And my shelf of cookbooks that sits right beside the place at the table where I work for handy access. My notebook of clipped recipes (that seems to grow bigger and bigger thanks to a few magazine subscriptions I've hung onto) has never failed to yield some quick and easy things to make. It's not that hard once you build up a repertoire of recipes. Just start where you are with what you have and build on that. It saves so much time later that it's worth the bit of effort it takes on the front end.

My Reading Log: This is the 3rd? 4th? year I've had a reading log and I just love having a list of all the books I've read. I love going back and being able to pinpoint what year I read what books, noting the ones that were favorites and chuckling over the ones I clearly didn't like but was simply determined to finish. It doesn't take that much time to jot down the book title and a little note about my thoughts about it. It just makes me happy to have it, and sometimes the good parts of life are those little things that just make us smile.

Running: I feel like a hypocrite writing this because between a lot of rain lately (I typically do NOT run in the rain if I can help it), some injuries, and a crazy life, I've not been the best about making running a priority every day. But I do love it when I get out there and do it. All you need is a good pair of running shoes, an iPod (I think that's an essential), and a street or sidewalk to make it happen. Oh, and time. And kids that can watch themselves. I'm glad I started the habit of running. It has been a great stress reliever, provided some wonderful time to think, and I'm proud of myself every time I do it.

My To-Do Notebook: I have written about this before, so feel free to skip this part if you already know about this practice in my life. I keep a 5X7 notebook and each page represents one week of time. I write down everything I need to get done in that week-- shopping, blog ideas, writing, She Reads stuff, other business items, calls I need to make, mail I need to take care of, stuff I need to order, etc. It all gets put on the weekly list. If it's something I need to take care of in the future, it goes on the list a few pages over. I've found that once I put it on the list, it generally happens. Then when I'm planning out my day, I can just look at the list for that week and give myself a few assignments for that day. Not sure how this plan evolved but it has worked for me and keeps me from feeling overwhelmed.




Habits, when they work for you, are good. They can make you more productive and industrious. They can make you more efficient and organized. If you're like me, all four of those are welcome words. If you'd like to learn more about habit, this book looks good. I've not read it but heard good things about it.

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